Listen More Than You Talk. (For Friends/Family)
Season 1. Episode 13.
If you are here, it’s because you love someone walking through infertility. I want you to know that you are doing the right thing by taking the time to be here to listen and to learn about how you can better support your friend, sister, daughter and/or daughter in law. I know that you may feel confused about the things she is feeling or not quite understand why she seems so closed off. I know it may seem like you’re never saying the right thing or doing the right thing or being the kind of support she needs and that probably feels frustrating. I know that you’ve probably wondered why she can’t “just snap out of it” or “be happy for them” or “move on from this.” My goal in this episode is to meet you in your frustration and provide some more context and put words to the things she is experiencing which will hopefully give you a little bit more empathy and understanding for her pain. I also hope to give you very practical and helpful ways that you can love her well in this storm.
Before we get started, I want you to know that your relationship matters to her and I know it matters to you too. You wouldn’t be here otherwise. You will not do everything perfectly or always say the right thing, but never stop trying. There is so much grace for the moments your words or actions just don’t come out the right way. Don’t let the fear of choosing the wrong words prevent you from continuing to try. You can do it!
Here are my tips:
Listen more than you talk.
This is the single best thing you can do when a friend is walking through a hard season.
Be unselfish.
Approach the relationship with a servant attitude. When a friend is in a season of grief, it’s not possible for her to invest in the relationship like she could before this.
Have zero expectations and mean it.
When you are in a season of grief, you aren’t emotionally capable of all the normal things. Let her off the hook and give her the freedom to do what she can.
Choose your words carefully.
As you listen first, let your words be prayerfully guided by where she is emotionally.
Let her know it’s ok to cry.
She needs a safe place to be able to let her guard down and her emotions out without fear of judgement.
Encouragement from Chapter 12 called Grace in Friendship:
“I listened to an episode of Emily P. Freeman’s podcast, TheNext Right Thing, and she talked about a listening exercise she participated in as part of a retreat. Someone sat in the hot seat and this person was “the talker.” Everyone else was to listen with these guidelines: Don’t make a statement. Don’t quote Scripture. Don’t offer to pray. The only thing the listeners were allowed to do was ask questions. The first person got in the hot seat, and Emily struggled not to give compelling advice, relate the speaker’s story to her story, or to give comfort and perspective. It was a challenge for Emily to just listen instead of speak. As a listener, Emily described the experience as very unsatisfying because she felt like she hadn’t helped the person. But the person sitting in the hot seat looked relieved. When it was Emily’s turn, she shared a story and the listeners asked a first, second, and third question. When her time was up, Emily realized no one had offered any advice, answers, solutions, or personal anecdotes. However, she described feeling more understood and cared for than she ever had been when it came to this particular situation. Wow! What if instead of interjecting yourself into the situation, you listened and gave people the space to think about and process how they’re feeling? Try it. I think you’ll be amazed at what it does for your friendships.” - Give Grace book
Links:
Get my guide for loving someone well through infertility.
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